State of the Union from State of Love and Trust, 2005
“God evening ladies and gentlemen,
It’s that time again— a new year,
A time to address the nation
and tell you how it’s gonna be.
So here it is—
Tomorrow we will bomb another country,
more civilians will be murdered
all in the best interest of the world—
we’ll be safer— financially.
Tomorrow we’ll close more doors
to keep the poor and the hungry
out on their own and under control
because they deserve it and can’t be trusted.
Tomorrow we’ll send some of those poor folks out to war because that’s all they’re good for: dying for the freedoms they don’t respect.
Support your troops!
And tomorrow we’ll make more
and the poor will make less
and tomorrow we’ll make sure
only the rich get to vote
because only we know better.
Tomorrow we’ll take away
those silly civil liberties
the liberals use to promote their sins.
Tomorrow we’ll dig the debt hole deeper
And toss the dirt in the faces of the blue-collar
worker who doesn’t appreciate their freedoms.
Tomorrow we’ll shut down New York City—
they didn’t learn their lesson the first time—
they didn’t learn to respect and vote for us.
Tomorrow we’ll make sure everyone has a gun
Because it’s their right
And if your kid steals your gun
and takes it to school, well, it must have been the music they were listening to.
We’ll also make sure every man with a gun on death row is executed because it’s our right to have clean streets; hey, they had their mock-trial.
And we’ll make sure those courts are fair
with judges who are “fair and balanced”
just like “Fix News”
the one network Americans can trust
for the real unbiased news stories.
Tomorrow we’ll cut education funding because children learn more from God and we can’t allow those crazy teachers to talk about conspiracies like evolution.
And we’ll give every kid a TV
And we’ll wire it to their brains
And we’ll burn all the books
Because, after all, I’m not a “big reader.”
Tomorrow we’ll destroy more land
because we need to live somewhere and everywhere, but don’t worry, the wildlife won’t even see it coming and God says ‘that ought to be the way.’
We’re gonna work hard this year,
so that’s it, America.
Good night, screw you, and God bless.”
